My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
