watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he's gonorrhea incarnate
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
