Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize