dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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