You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
