turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
