not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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