I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
