You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
