if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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