Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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