when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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