i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Someone came in the potted fern
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
