This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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