Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
sick fucks of a feather flock together
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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