She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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