I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
