Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..