since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.