my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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