This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
literally had 100 drinks last night.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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