Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
