I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
