I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
