So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
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constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
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I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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