He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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