You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
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She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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