If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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