The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
