she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
