This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
