Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
