I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
