our cab driver is having phone sex.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
