i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
