What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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