Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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