just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
