I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i think my cat just said my name.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
