So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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