I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
