Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
