they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
