If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
one might say we're banned from that church
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
