i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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