dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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