Your face is a jimmy john
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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