I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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