Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
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He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
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