Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
