Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
