I smell stomach acid.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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