I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
