Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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