Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
